I hate my own hesitance. each day, I vow to be more courageous, but each day, I feel myself retreating into security.
security scares me most.
all I want is to own a brown jacket and a lot of scarves, to always have access to good books and good coffee, and to stay in college forever for free
I’m sitting in the lobby of the library, unable to help overhearing a conversation among a group of students working on a project about development. they’re talking about medical care in africa, and the number of ignorant generalizations I’ve heard in the past five minutes makes me want to half scream and half curl up in a ball right here and wilt away
been sleep deprived for four days, but I just treated myself to this phenomenal dinner with my roommate and her friends, consisting of goat’s cheese with pomegranate sauce, a moroccan cucumber salad with yogurt and hummus, light ricotta cheesecake for dessert, and ample red wine. I have no more money as a consequence, my academic obligations are suddenly appearing out of nowhere, but a good dinner can warm you up from the inside out so nothing matters!!!! (but maybe that’s the wine talking)
fall break is over, which means back to school and midterms, but my midterms require reading french novels and doing a formal analysis of a scene from spike lee’s “do the right thing” + pouring those thoughts into a relatively short essay. so……..life could be worse
just tried to edit photographs again for the first time in maybe a year, and I got so frustrated I had to stop. I am just so painfully aware of how bad my photography is these days, which is perhaps a good thing (recognizing things I didn’t before), but I’m also losing the will to even try and get better, because I fear it’s useless. I have all these ideas about how I want my photographs to look and feel, but I’m so technologically incapable and useless at rendering them so. I’m still taking photographs, but I can’t look back at them anymore.